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Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 12-year-old is defiant and every form of punishment we have tried either only worked for a short time or not at all. What do we do? |
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Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist |
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Question: My 12-year-old is defiant and has to be told 100 times to do something. It almost seems he is trying to push my and his stepfather's buttons. Though his grades came up from C's and D's to A's and B's with one C (in the subject he has the most trouble in), it seems his attitude has gotten worse. I tell him how happy and proud of him we are, and every form of punishment we have tried either only worked for a short time or not at all. What do we do? |
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Answer: I'm going to make a statement here that probably establishes how "radical" I am in the views of most of the American culture. Punishment doesn't work. In case you think you read that wrong: PUNISHMENT DOESN'T WORK. That isn't to say you can't get someone to stop doing something or make them do something they don't want to do by punishing them. But it won't last. I could give you a list of the top 25 punishments I know about (and they're pretty creative – I've worked in family therapy for years), and none of them would give you any better return than the ones you have already tried. The problem is this: Punishment sets up a power struggle that, even if you "win," is almost completely empty. When you punish someone, you do all the work. They go through the punishment and everything is equal. You also give the person who is being punished a beautiful chance to be a "victim" so they can concentrate on their victimization rather than the issue. A better way in my estimation is to tie all those thing you're trying to get him to do to privileges. If you don't do this, you don't get this. As soon as you do it, you get it. Don't mistake necessities with privileges, but there are plenty of privileges, and it makes sense in the world of natural consequences that they are earned. Of course, very often a kid will just say "I don't want that (the privilege) anyway." Say "fine" and do the thing yourself. When he sees that he can't get the confrontation and that you are consistent, most often you'll see him comply. This takes a lot of the emotion out of the struggle he's going through. I created a bumper sticker that says: If you don't want me to push your buttons, don't hand me the remote. It's worth considering. My buttons don't get pushed if I don't present them. I'm the person who gives those buttons their value. And understand one thing. Something is going on that is resulting in the "attitude." As a parent, I'd want to know what that is. Kids often display their struggle through "attitude." Again, with the Color Purple view of life, the trick is to get the kid to educate us (and him or herself) as to what that struggle is. Often it's pretty simple, and most times it's developmental. When the struggle eases, so does the attitude. Of course you want to allow for "lag time." Tough situation. Always remember it's easier to say these things than it is to do them – and it takes a certain sense of risk to do them, but go back to what you said in your original statement. To paraphrase: What we're doing isn't working. That's a good reason right there to take a risk and try something else. |
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