Question:

His attitude is terrible. He fights all the time with his brother, my husband and me. He has his own room in the basement of our home. The basement is fixed really nice. His room is constantly messy, but when he has to go to bed at night, he fights us about going down there. (His brother is in the next room.)

We just don't know what to do. We tell him we are going to spank him and he tells us he is going to call 911. We don't hurt our children. We take very good care of them. They want for nothing. What can more can I do?

Answer:

I would try to discover the true reasons for his not wanting to go to his room. He may be scared in the basement, or he may feel isolated down there, or his problems with his brother may be bigger or different than you know. You didn't say whether the brother was older or younger, but he might have some information that can help. You want to remember that 11 can be the advent of puberty, and even the child himself may not know what's wrong. It is a time when irrational fears concerning separation and death and the like attack with no warning. Alice Miller once said, "All behavior has meaning," and our job is to discover the meaning of the behavior.

You want to make it as easy as possible for him to tell you what's wrong. If he talks about being afraid or angry or uncertain in any way, don't ever say he shouldn't feel that way or in any way diminish his viewpoint. The trick is to join. Accept his feelings as if they were the most normal things in the world and do not get into arguments with him about content. What he argues with you about is usually of little consequence. It is more that he is feeling a need to be heard, and though you are hearing him loud and clear, he may not be getting it because you aren't agreeing.

I have a feeling he's having a difficult time controlling his own feelings and thoughts – not unusual for his age and certainly not unusual if there are problems of any kind between you and your ex, which would put you in the company of about 90 percent of Americans who experience divorce. His perceptions of those problems might be very different from what is real, and there may be loyalty issues or unresolved "blaming" issues.

The possibilities are almost limitless, so focus on what you can control. Keep your structure tight. Meet his oppositional behavior with intensity but NOT in kind. When he's mad, identify it with gusto. "Wow, you're REALLY mad. SOMEthing must be going on. How can I help?" Use words that fit you of course. Always deal with the emotion before you deal with the content.

Forget spanking him. If he's feeling as out of control as he sounds, that would only give him more reason to be oppositional and to blame you for his problems rather than to look within himself. And you'd only be showing him that you're bigger than he is, and that might not always be true.

Remember that this kind of behavior usually comes from self-contempt– anger at self for perceived incompetence or embarrassment or any of those negative thoughts and feelings with which we all have experience. And remember that time helps. Sometimes you have to ride a stage out, looking for help along the way by opening lines of communication and waiting for him to use them.

Look for the power struggles and diminish them. Always pick your fight; some things just aren't worth it.

Structure becomes hugely important here. Rules should be enforced without passion or prejudice – known by all and hooked to privileges. Necessities are not privileges. I would never ground this kid, because it just sets up more power struggles. Let him earn his privileges with behavior that is within his reach. Come to agreements about "time out" which is exactly what it is said to be. It's not a punishment. It's not "Go to your room." It's exactly the same as in an athletic event. When one side takes time out, so does the other.

I wish there were easy answers, and there may be easier ones if I knew more. But the truth is some kids have a lot of trouble with this stage of their lives, and we have to ride it out with them. What they need to know is that they are safe and could never lose us.