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Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: How do I handle misbehavior in my 10-year-old stepdaughter? |
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Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist |
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Question: I do not know how to handle misbehavior while my wife is at work. She is a nurse and works nights, so I am at home with a 10-year-old stepdaughter. As long as she gets her way, all is well. When I try to correct her, she over-dramatizes, twists everything I say into an almost lie and makes it seem as if I am abusive toward her. After I yelled at her, she actually threatened me with a call to 911 if I ever touched her in any way. She said, "You will be out of here!" What do I do? |
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Answer: If there's a job harder than stepparenting that doesn't require picks and ropes and really warm clothes, I don't know what it is. One reason it's hard is because we don't understand it, often giving a stepparent responsibilities he or she isn't ready for because the initial issues of the child haven't been resolved. I don't know your situation, so I don't know what "correcting" her means. The biggest thing in stepparenting is establishing a relationship before "authority." You have to keep her safe physically and emotionally, but you don't have to do a lot more than that until you've established a relationship that shows her you respect who she is and her situation. It has to be hard for a kid to lose her father (I'm assuming that happened in one way or another) and then her mother to her work. That puts you both in a bad spot. I wonder what would happen if you got your heads together and tried to figure it out with her. Ask for some help to solve the problem, keeping in mind that it's YOUR job to make sure she's safe but maybe HER job to let you know what's bugging her. If she's truly threatening to call 911 because you're yelling, do two things: Stop yelling, and show her to the phone. She's just telling you she's angry, which means "afraid" or "out of control." It wouldn't hurt to get Mom involved in this, also – and more than in just the position of saying "You have to do what he says." Nobody does anything if it isn't worth it – kids and adults alike. She can tell you what would make it worth it to have a relationship with you. She may have an idea that she doesn't want her father replaced, and you can put her mind to rest that way. That one's easy. The trick is finding out who you are to each other from a relationship point of view, always keeping in mind, of course, that keeping her safe is the one thing not negotiable. It's tough. Time helps, as does perseverance. |
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