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Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: What can I do to help my son mature and communicate? |
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Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist |
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Question: My son is in the sixth grade (considered junior high where we live). He is one of the youngest in his class. He is also the biggest in his class, standing 5 feet, 4 1/2 inches tall. This is a new school. He knows some of the kids, but not many. He is in the honors program and is one of the top students in the class. His behavior in the classroom, according to his teacher, is excellent, but on the playground, he is still having a problem with maturity. He has always been an aggressive child (not mean, just very touchy). It is affecting his relationships with other students. Another issue is that he wants the kids to like him, and he isn't always sure what to say, so he backs down a lot when the kids tease him or won't play with him. He has always been very sensitive and is not acclimating well to the other students' strong and not-so-nice personalities.
I know this is all a part of being a preteen, but what can I
do to help him mature and communicate? I want him to be able to stand up for himself verbally without getting into trouble at school. Thanks for your help. |
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Answer: This is one of those tough situations that speak to the importance of knowing about child development. Listen to his stories and his complaints when he comes home from school. Don't tell him what he's doing wrong, but be ready to advise him when he asks for it. Sometimes it's good to ask if he wants some advice, and don't speak about it in terms of maturity, but rather in terms of utility. Give him ideas that will work, but don't pass judgment on what is mature and what is not. You said yourself he is young, so it is not really a question of maturity – it's a question of being placed in a situation where most of the kids are older, yet he looks like he should be more mature because he's bigger, so expectations of him may be high. I would always advise him, when he asks, on ways to stand up for himself – verbally, of course. If he's working too hard to be liked, he won't likely be successful, so you might counsel him to be quiet and watch and ask himself what has the best chance of working in any given situation. Sometimes it's easier when kids learn to sit back and assess. Best thing to do with the "strong" personalities is hang back from them until he can develop one of his own. The key here is patience. He's going to make a lot of mistakes. Come at it from a problem solving point of view. If one thing doesn't work, try another, and expect him to feel depressed about it some of the time or angry. Those feelings are natural and need to be acknowledged as feelings that are common responses to this situation. |
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