Question:

I was a teenage parent to her at 15. How can I prevent her from exploring sexual things right now? All I know to do is keep an eye on her like a hawk until she is 18.

I have given her too much trust, but I had no reason not to until now. She makes As and Bs at school and has always been a good kid. I told her she is way too young to be exploring this behavior, and that it is wrong for her to do this – that it leads to sex, and that can get you into lots of troubles.

Please help. I don't want her to repeat what I did, and she has told me that she doesn't want that either. What else can I do?

Answer:

Go back and look at the facts as you've written them. You trusted her (which I guess means to you that you thought you could tell her not to do something and have her never explore or experience this thing you've told her not to do) and she went too far – she explored, as 12-year-olds are wont to do. You confronted her, and she said she was ashamed, and that she made bad choices, which, if she's telling the truth, would mean she's acting exactly like we want kids to act – make mistakes and then cop to them and talk about them and cut their losses, because they have our support.

She's getting good grades. She's doing well. She explored in an arena where all humans explore. By making this too big a deal, you are going to give her a skewed and false view of sexual awakening and how we can handle it as humans. She did it; she learned. Let her go on without wearing it around her neck.

In my view, none of us should want to control our children's behavior with shame and fear. We want to help THEM control it through knowledge. You had an experience you are sorry for, and you are determined not to let your daughter go through that also. I applaud you for wanting that.

But there are a lot worse experiences in this life than that one, and by focusing on it, you are focusing on a very small part of her world, and you are trying to prevent her from experiencing something that caused YOU pain, rather than letting her find her own way.

Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong and everything right with people waiting until they are ready and capable of having children. Children having children IS a huge problem that leads to even more problems. But if you want to have influence over her, you have to recognize what she is going through and help her find a way through it that works for her.

I think I'm reading that she already has your value of waiting. The biggest help you can be to her is to let her know that you understand how powerful that draw can be at a young age, and help her with ways to deal with it, and point her toward people who can help in the areas you can't. I will guarantee that if you highlight it the way you are, you'll have more problems with it.

And a question: Is she the product of your 15-year-old birth? If she is, are you SURE she doesn't feel the least bit unwanted if you're talking about what a horrible mistake it was to have her when you did? Always look at things through the eyes of the child if at all possible. We do a lot of inadvertent harm trying to do good.

It sounds like you want all the right things for your daughter. You're just needing to know how to pull it off. You have a tough job. I wish you well. And as a back-up, make sure she knows her way to and around Planned Parenthood. Those people will give her the same information about waiting, etc., as you would give her.