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Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My neighbor permits her 10-year-old to dress too provocatively. What's the best way for me to bring it up? |
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Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist |
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Question: My neighbor, a single mom, has a 10-year-old daughter that is very attractive and well into puberty. She permits her to dress very provocatively – tight pants, short skirts, revealing tops. I would like to talk to my neighbor about the effect her daughter's attire has on some men. The other day, I was with her daughter and saw grown men look at her in "not a nice way." What's the best way for me to bring it up without sounding like I am criticizing her parenting? |
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Answer: That's a tough one, and if you decide to talk to her, prepare to be rebuffed. If this is going on and the parent isn't aware, then there are some holes in her perceptions, and they're there for good reasons. If it is going on and she is aware, that's a whole different set of more serious problems. Your best bet is to wait for a "natural" time in a conversation, if you can find one, and tell her what you wrote here, but in a "fearful" way rather than a criticizing way. Tell her what you saw and what you fear for her daughter, that she's pretty and all that, and that you're afraid something bad is going to happen to her; that girls who develop early need an added protection, because they are not necessarily aware of the trouble they can get into. You may not get a change in dress, which isn't the most important thing, but there may be a change in the mother's perception. If you are someone she listens to or respects, it helps. Also, if you have any relationship with the girl, you may have some chance to help her with her confusion. There has to be some. That's a tough one, and if you decide to talk to her, prepare to be rebuffed. If this is going on and the parent isn't aware, then there are some holes in her perceptions, and they're there for good reasons. If it is going on and she is aware, that's a whole different set of more serious problems. Your best bet is to wait for a "natural" time in a conversation, if you can find one, and tell her what you wrote here, but in a "fearful" way rather than a criticizing way. Tell her what you saw and what you fear for her daughter, that she's pretty and all that, and that you're afraid something bad is going to happen to her; that girls who develop early need an added protection, because they are not necessarily aware of the trouble they can get into. You may not get a change in dress, which isn't the most important thing, but there may be a change in the mother's perception. If you are someone she listens to or respects, it helps. Also, if you have any relationship with the girl, you may have some chance to help her with her confusion. There has to be some. |
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