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Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 11-year-old son seems to have problems controlling his emotions. How do I help him? |
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Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist |
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Question: My 11-year-old son seems to have problems controlling his emotions. He gets mad or sad very easily. He doesn't seem to be able to handle everyday life. He is very hard on himself and doesn't seem very happy and is starting to speak to me in an unacceptable tone. How do I help him? |
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Answer: The unacceptable tone is probably a symptom of the emotional problem you see. If you deal with that, the tone will likely go away or become less frequent. I don't know that he needs to control his emotions; he needs to let himself have them. The common mistake some parents make is trying to talk their kids out of their emotions, or of their perceptions when they're being "hard on themselves." The more we try to talk them out of it, the more entrenched it often becomes. When he's being hard on himself, listen and "join" him. Let him know you'd be mad or sad too if you felt that way. Once in a while, you might even get a chance to tell him about times when that was true for you. The more he believes you know what he feels like, the better the chance of his coming to you with problems. If the "tone" gets intolerable, don't respond to it, other than to say, "You're going to have to find another way to talk to me if you want something." I wouldn't fight him about it – he already knows what it is. The less response he gets, the less chance there is of a fight. Sometimes it's easier to fight about the "tone" I'm talking to you in than it is to talk about what's making me mad or sad. The tone is often a diversion. If he feels more uncontrolled and is getting madder and sadder, you might want to look for some therapeutic help. Again, look for someone who specializes in adolescents and preadolescents, and be sure they're not power strugglers. There are a lot of them out there. |
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