Question:

She has only lived with us for a little over a year now, and at first, things were great. Her dad and I married in 1998, and she stressed for five years to us about coming to live with us. It was very hard to wait until she became of age to really make that decision to move from her mom's home to our home. So, we sought counseling and went through it as a family for six months before we went to court for her.

Now, she has done a complete 360. She now states she hates everything about this house and everyone in it. It has become so hard to understand why she does. We tried to explain that in our house we have rules of discipline and expectations of grades and also expectations of everyone helping out with the daily chores. Unlike her real mom's house, and without the support of her mom, things have gotten pretty tense. Now she has just completely shut us out, and she says she will continue to as long as we "force" her to stay with us. My husband, her dad, wants to let her go back to her mom's, but I fear what will become of her if she does. I love her as if she were my own, but she acts as if this is all my fault.

I found and read a letter she wrote to herself. It said she wishes she were dead, and she wondered if everyone would be happy if she were. She wondered if everyone would miss her, if we would cry or be relieved. I asked her why she felt like I did not love her. Her reply was she was tired of the fight, the fight to leave and be with her mom. She told me I didn't treat her like her mom does, and she couldn't talk to me like she does with her mom. She also said I was no where near like her mom in many ways. She feels hatred towards me, because I don't approve of her mom's lifestyle (lesbian), and she says I am the same as others who make life hard for her mom in our small rural town.

I am very scared she will do something to hurt herself or do something that she will have to live with the rest of her life. Any advise will be greatly appreciated. I'm at a loss as to what to do. The only thing I keep telling her is that I love her with all my heart, and I don't want to replace her mom. I just want a chance to love her and share a relationship.

Answer:

If I'm in your shoes and she tells me she can't talk to me like she does her mom, I say, "Then tell your mother the things you need to tell her, and tell me what you need to tell me. I'm a lot more interested in you being able to express yourself than caring about who you like better." I'm hoping that your concerns about her being with her mother have to do with her mother's ability to parent and not whether or not she's a lesbian. Gay humans of both sexes have proven themselves to be good parents. I'm sure some have proven themselves to be bad parents also, but that's about personalities, not sexual orientation.

It sounds like your stepdaughter is depressed and anxious and very unsure of herself. There's a good chance if you let her go live with her mother, she'll be wanting to come back when things are tough there. You have to look at your own tolerances to see how much you can let her do that. It's probably a good lesson for her to see that her happiness lies in her own behavior and decisions, but that's a long-time lesson, not a short-term one. If there is a way to sit and talk with her mother, or for your husband to do that, and set aside differences to focus on stability for her, that is what I would recommend. (I'm guessing that doesn't seem like a possibility.) You're right on the mark telling her you don't want to replace her mom, because that's a fight kids love. But be sure you're not doing anything that looks like you're keeping her from her mom, because that would negate your statement.

Stepparenting is one of the toughest things we do in this culture. There is such a thin line to walk, and so many land mines planted right on that line. The best we can do for kids sometimes is let them express themselves (and not take it too personally) and keep them as safe as we can.