Question:

That helped some, but I get so tired of the constant "moodiness" when it comes to her not being able to be perfect. How do I help her realize she does not need to be perfect to be loved, accepted and beautiful? (By the way, perfectionism runs high in the family, and many of us deal with it on our own personal level.) I don't want her growing up with the pressure I did, but I don't know how to help.

Answer:

If I'm a kid and I look around at a bunch of perfectionism, whether people tell me I don't have to be that way myself or not, I'm going to try, and I'm going to measure myself against them, and I'm going to feel disappointed.

I don't let clients use the word "perfect" in my office after the first visit. It's the only word in the dictionary that's defined by what can't be. If you want her to not feel the perfectionism, you have to work on your own. I can give you example after example of how that gets created. You're better off to let the moodiness be, let her deal with it and respond when she brings it to you for any kind of help.

The other thing I never say to kids is, "Do your best," because that MEANS be as close to perfect as you can, and what you've done is figured out a different way to use the same measuring stick. Telling them they don't have to be perfect if they do their best is what we often do to massage ourselves into thinking we've given good advice without requiring too much. I'd be more likely to say, "Decide how well you want to do it, and do it." And I would encourage her to figure out which things to "get by" on. ALSO, get a sense of humor. That will help with all this.