During a Saturday afternoon baseball game in Belleville, Ohio, 13-year-old Alec Kurdzel takes his turn at the bat. The crowd cheers his name, in hopes that Alec will get a hit and bring at least one of his teammates to home plate. Alec's father, Eric, stands at the fence yelling last-minute instructions before Alec approaches the plate. Alec stands ready, swings and misses.

His father meets him as he walks off the field to the dugout. Dad doesn't offer condolences. "I thought I taught you better than that,” he says. “Don't you want to be a winner? Didn't you listen to anything I told you? What kind of a hit was that?" Alec hangs his head and assures his father that he will do better next time.

Thousands of parents exhibit this type of behavior with each new season. We've all seen them, yelling from the stands, running to the field, fighting or arguing with coaches – all on their child's behalf. These parents attempt to teach their children all they can and make them the best players on the team, in the region or even in the state. Parents do want the best for their children, but when do coaching and teaching become overbearing and overzealous?

Pushy Parents
"Overzealous parents usually start out being supportive of their child's interests,” says Martha Pieper, co-author of Smart Love (Harvard Common Press, 2001) and columnist for Chicago Parent magazine. “However, these parents will begin to see a talent in their child and will do everything within their power to help develop it and expect the child to do the same. These parents don't mean any harm; they just don't know when to stop."

Extracurricular activities offer children of all ages an outlet for expressing themselves, their talents and their interests. Whether they are sporting or academic activities, these "after school" programs create a diversion from the normal school structure and offer kids a little fun and creativity. But there are students whose only reason for involvement in these activities is a pushy parent.

"I never really liked soccer," says Alec Kurdzel. "I only played it because my grandfather played and my dad wanted me to play it, too. I love football and baseball, but soccer was never for me. I did fine playing soccer, but didn't enjoy it ... it wasn't fun. I played because I knew it would make them happy and because I knew to get my Dad's attention I had to play. He wouldn't let me try out for football, so I settled for soccer."

When Is It Too Much?
Forcing a child to participate in an activity in which they have no interest can have a lot of negative effects. "Children are entitled to their own recreational time just as adults are," Pieper says. "If an adult had free time and someone told them how to spend it they would be upset. Kids should be entitled to decide how they would choose to spend [their free time]. They need those choices and need to experiment to see what they enjoy, or what is best suited for them.

“When parents step in and make them specialize and do only do one thing, as well as do it to the level the parent wants but the child may not, that child is essentially robbed of an important experience of childhood. The child may then grow up and always try to find an authority figure to tell them what to do or totally rebel and be against authority the rest of their lives."

Some parents push their kids because they're determined to see them continue in college. For others, they may be looking to relive their own youth. "I had a chance to play football at college but blew it by messing up,” says Harry Owens, a father of three from Richmond, Va. “I got into some trouble and ended up being a daddy instead. I want my sons to get the most they can out of what they can do. Maybe I do push them too hard, but I just want them to have all the things I didn't. I want them to learn from my mistakes, I guess. I do love them and want the best for them. I know I'm not perfect … maybe I'm trying too hard."

The Child’s Choice
Offering unconditional support and encouragement to a child gives a message of acceptance. "Children may come to feel that the parent only values them for their performance, not for who they are," Pieper says. "Pushing a child to excel beyond their want or means in any area can take away a child's self-esteem. Children may begin to judge themselves on whatever performance they give, good or bad. The message we want to give our children is that we love you, we think you're great, whatever you do is fine with us.

"The most important message that a parent can give a child is that 'This is supposed to be fun. That's what after school activities are for. If you're not enjoying it, then you don't have to do it,'" Pieper says. "The parent must be completely comfortable with the idea that a child may walk away from the activity. It must be a child's choice. It is crucial that a child be allowed to make the final decision on whether or not they participate, as well as the reasons why."

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• Talk about it!

About the Author: Carma Haley is a nurse and iParenting contributing writer, living in Virginia with her husband and three sons.